Things That Aren’t, That Should Be
Recently a lot of small, unimportant things have popped up,
rendering them large, super important things in my world. These things, and the
reasons for them bothering me are as follows:
I feel that babies, up until the age of three, should be
allowed in bars. With adult supervision of course. I mean, we don’t want babies
running amok without their parents present. That would be wrong. No bartender
is going to mistake a three year old for an adult and thus, there is no real
harm in getting a baby drunk. Also, I think it is bullshit that babies can’t go
to the place where their parents met and made them in the first place. And an
added benefit, the kids running around the bar probably act as a built in birth
control for all the 17 year old girls who go in on fake ID’s and a push up bra.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, you should be allowed
15 seconds to act on the immense rage you are feeling. Beyond 15 seconds and
you are most likely a deranged lunatic who simply likes to hurt people.
Anything that happens within that quarter minute, however, is fair game.
Swearing, horn honking, firing off a couple of rounds…all legal within that
time frame.
This is how I wake up in the morning
Guys (and girls I suppose) shouldn’t wear Affliction.
Nothing good can come of it other than making it super easy for me to know that
you are a complete and utter douche-tard. I suppose I can make an exception if,
at the time of purchase, the purchaser of said terrible clothing items, is
willing to get punch directly in the larynx by a real MMA fighter. And by real
fighter I don’t mean these pussies who lift weights at an “MMA” gym and then go
on to tell girls that they are an MMA fighter. I mean like a certified UFC
fighter, standing by the register, mollywhopping the idiots that buy Affliciton
(and probably lift weights at an MMA gym).
People should always return a text. Even if it is to say
that they aren’t returning texts. Is there any bigger “fuck you,” move than
simply ignoring texts? Don’t get me wrong, I ignore 86.9% of all texts I
receive, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to ignore MY texts. That is
just rude. I think an app should be created that detects when someone is
ignoring a text, and simply melts the phone. Melts it dead. That would teach
people!
I hate that we call black people African-American.
Afro-American is way more cool sounding and actually, probably less insulting.
Nonetheless, if we are going to remain PC when talking about Afro’d Americans,
I demand the same satisfaction. From here on out, when people are describing
what I look like, I am going to have to request that my skin complexion be
described as “European-American,” or “Euro-American,” if you are into the whole
brevity thing. It is only fair. For far too long, the black community has
cornered the market on cool nicknames for their race while we get stuck with crap.
And this Euro-American has had enough of it.
Dating websites are the worst. When you approach a girl at a
bar and she rejects you, you can at least chalk it up to her probably already
having a boyfriend/husband, or most likely, that she is gay. But when a girl
who is “seeking a man,” denies you online, there is no justification. And what’s
worse is that you have to PAY for this type of abuse. Dating sites like
Match.com or Eharmony.com should really have to guarantee at least two dates
per month for the fees they charge. And by guarantee I mean send over a hooker
twice a month as a thank you for my hard earned dollars. It is only fair.
Besides, paying for a girl to pretend to like me is a lot better than paying
for girls to for reals hate me.
/Tigerclaw
