Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me.
Not My Proudest Moment: Horsing Around with Pokey
Every once in a blue moon, a special thing happens. And this special thing is me getting the sex from a real female type person. I don’t know how or why this happens, but it does. Maybe it’s my stunning good looks (shut up), or perhaps my amazing wit and vocabu…uhm vocab…way with words. Or maybe it is the copious amounts of booze that the girl drinks that allows me to boff her. Frankly, I am not sure and also not sure that I care.
While “making like” with a girl on more than one occasion does happen, I try to avoid repeat customers since it ultimately leads to having to talk to one another which tends to ruin things. You see, once you get to know the other person involved, you then develop feelings for them. These feelings can be good, or they can be bad. Either way, you now know more about the person than you probably should and this, can only be trouble for one or both parties. I made this mistake, and it cost me. It cost me big time.
After flushing this lady’s toilet parts and feeling quite proud of myself, I opted for a glass of water. So I rolled out of bed leaving my female pleasure person to lay in bed with our pile of clothes, sweat and other fluids while I skipped my happy, naked ass to the kitchen to grab a cup of nature’s milk. While downing two glasses of the cold H2O, I strolled back to the bedroom, still naked, and still sweaty from my amazing performance.
And then inspiration hit me. Knowing that this poor lass was probably disgusted with herself for now having had bedded me on multiple occasions, I decided to completely stamp her with my grossness. As I got back into bed, I straddled her to climb to the other side while still naked, letting my sweaty balls rub and smear across her stomach. My face contorted into a odd, satisfying grin, waiting for the moment in which she would be fully skeeved out and give me the reaction I was looking for.
But the moment never came.
As I continued to sway my naked body across the top of her, she simply stared back with a look of “Oh really? This is your master plan?” on her face. And before I could even figure out my own bewilderment as to what had happened, it hit me. It hit me right in the butthole.
My grin was gone, replaced by puzzlement. My swagger was gone, replaced by confusion. And my butt virginity was gone, replaced by…something. Something cold and oddly shaped. And as I continued to look at this broad, I realized that the grin that was gone, was now found wiped across her face. The swagger that went missing, was located in her eyes and my butt virginity that disappeared, was now part of her soul. I reached back, dislodged the foreign object from my nether regions and brought it to the forefront. I simply had to confront my assaulter. And what I saw left me speechless.
Pokey has fucked me in the bum. Yes, THAT Pokey. Gumby’s friend. The little orange horse that kicked the shit out of Blockheads, partook in stop motion and high fived his green, slope headed friend with his hooves, clip clopped into my butt and he didn’t look too happy about it.
Apparently when I left to go freshen up with some water and plot out my evil plan, this gal had hatched an evil little ploy, herself. Springing out of bed, she snatched my rubbery, bendable Pokey doll, ninja’d back into bed and waited for me to do my worse so that she could counter with her devious sexual witchery.
Okay so the object didn’t actually penetrate my naughty hole, but it came damn close. Too close for comfort. And what was worse then the violation (okay not worse, but a very close second) was the fact that I lost. I was bested by a girl who knew me well enough to know that trying to stick a little toy horse up my arse would thwart my plan and cause me to never sleep through a night again, or prance around naked. I now shower with my clothes on at all times. I am just glad she didn’t have to to grab the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that were on the shelf below…