Doing stand-up comedy is relatively new for me. For the most part, it has been an extremely fun experience. After all, who wouldn’t like to hang out with other funny people, suck down adult beverages and get paid to tell fart jokes? And while the process of writing and performing jokes for other people’s entertainment is fun, it also leads to some of the most … Continue reading Five Things NOT To Say To A Comedian

10. Coffee is infinitely better than tea. People who say otherwise are either British, or liars. Either way, they are assholes. 9. Midwest people can shut the fuck up about how Californians don’t know “real,” cold weather. Yes we do. 50 degrees is plenty cold. Don’t swing your frozen dick at us just because that very degree is your summer high. It isn’t our fault … Continue reading 10 Things I Think I Think

As a man, there are certain life moments that occur that graduate you from a boy, to a man. Learning how to shave, earning your driver’s license, graduating high school/college and of course the big one, convincing a girl to let you boink her. But a startling omission from the aforementioned list, is the ability to use a public urinal correctly. Up until now, I … Continue reading Five Lessons For Using A Public Urinal

I know. I get it. No really, I do. Hell, up until about a month ago, I was one of you. But the kid squirted out, your friend doesn’t respond to you as quickly as they used to and you are left with more time on your hands and a serious case of the “you’ve changed,” blues. And the cold hard truth is, they have changed. They now … Continue reading Five Lessons For Friends of Friends Who Have Kids

“You are having a kid? Man, your life is never going to be the same again!” All new parents get told this. The problem is, we all know that our lives are going to change but no one tells us how it will change. It’s as if veteran mothers and fathers like to haze us rookies by telling us what we already know while keeping … Continue reading Five Lessons for New Parents

I went to a funeral this week for a man I have known for 25 years or so. A man who fathered four daughters that I consider to be family and who consider me the same. As I sat at the service and listened to a song that will now forever be sad, with my mother crying on my right shoulder, the mother of my … Continue reading Bobbing Out: Saying Goodbye

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me. Not My Proudest Moment: … Continue reading The Subtle Mugging Skills of a City Hobo

  The following conversation took place on Monday, July 27th at roughly 9:45 P.M. It took place at a restaurant/bar in Discovery Bay, California between myself and someone I consider family. You may not find it hilarious, but I thought the whole scene was a riot. We pick it up halfway through the topic of my inablity to treat women like objects… SM: I am … Continue reading Summer Re-Runs: The Infamous Steakhouse Conversation

7:28 P.M.-I am awoken from my hour long nap on my couch by a text from my best friend. The text consists of pictures of cigarettes, guns, alcohol and naked girls with a simple one word question…”Vegas?” 7:28-8:12 P.M.-Facebook trolling, Pandora Radio is turned on. After three songs, an advertisement for Trader Joe’s interrupts the music. I’m fucking starving.   8:15 P.M.- Sifting through my … Continue reading Winsomnia: The Timeline of a Sleepless Friday Night

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me. The Impromptu Waterbed Part … Continue reading The Impromptu Waterbed Part 2

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me. Not My Proudest Moment: … Continue reading The Impromptu Waterbed part 1

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me. Not My Proudest Moment: … Continue reading Attack of the Zombie Bum

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me. The Inadvertent Invasion of … Continue reading The Inadvertent Invasion of the Women’s Room Story