As a man, there are certain life moments that occur that graduate you from a boy, to a man. Learning how to shave, earning your driver’s license, graduating high school/college and of course the big one, convincing a girl to let you boink her.
But a startling omission from the aforementioned list, is the ability to use a public urinal correctly. Up until now, I would have argued that this was second nature and thus, not worthy of being on the man-ladder. But after countless experiences recently, in which I am literally left standing in amazement while holding my dick (and not for the right reasons), I move that the time is now to add this seemingly basic skill to the list. So without further adieu…
Five Lessons For Using A Public Urinal
1. DO NOT talk to me…ever
Yes, this is a public urinal, but no, this is not a public forum. Whether I know you or not, doesn’t change this. Listen to me, I have a child at home that yells at me for no reason. And when that is over, I get to go to work where my customers yell at me. And when those two parts of my life aren’t yelling at me, it is usually because my boss is asking me about how my kids and customers are doing, which causes me to yell at him.
The point being, the few minutes of quiet time I get is the two minutes it takes me to piss or the 45 minutes it takes to crap. And even then I am usually on my phone or iPAD, trying to get something done. The last thing I want to do is listen to you drone on about…whatever the fuck you are droning on about while we both hold our respective dicks and make yellow. You are there to piss, not piss and moan. So please, for the love of God, shut up and let me only listen to the soothing sounds of my tinkle splashing against the porcelain.
2. Unless its a last resort, the middle stall you must abort
This lesson is not a new revelation. In fact, I would be hard pressed to find a male adult that doesn’t know this rule and hasn’t complained about it. Which is why I can’t understand why all of you mother fuckers continue to ignore and violate it. There is absolutely no excuse for any of you to move in right next door to me when there are plenty of open lots available for you to rent and drop a deposit into.
In fact, to ensure that you only make this faux pas one more time around me, I will be sure to piss all over your shoes throughout the entire potty session until A: I am out of pee or B: you learn your lesson and pop over to a different urinal. I am pretty sure I am well within my civil rights to do this as this falls under the statutes of me being able to defend myself and perhaps even covered by the second amendment. Stop buddying up to me in the bathroom. You have been warned.
3. Stand appropriately
This isn’t rocket surgery guys. Walk up to the urinal, stand with your feet about shoulder width apart and roughly eight to 12 inches away from the urinal. Some of you guys are trying too hard to get other guys to notice you while your dick is out. There is no reason, for example, for you to take such a wide stance that you end up kicking my foot with yours. If your equilibrium is THAT bad that you can’t just stand there and pee, then do us all a favor and lean forward and rest your head against the wall. Don’t kick me with your urine soaked foot.
And what the hell is this new trend of standing about a yard back and firing from there? Listen, its questionable if I want to see your Larry Bird impression on the basketball court, but I know for damn sure that I don’t want to see it in the restroom, and neither does anyone else. And on the opposite end of that spectrum, for you weirdos that saddle up to the urinal like you are dancing with a chick at a club, need to stop that too. I am not quite sure what the hell you are doing, but you are way too close and I don’t like it. Chances are, your entire privates are now sprayed with your own liquid waste, as are your hands, which brings me to my next point.
4. Wash your disgusting hands
You are a guy, which means by default, your hands are made up of 25% sweat, 13% boogers, 34% blood and everything is caked in semen. Given that knowledge, we should all bathing our hands at all times. Or at the very least, wearing gloves and never touching another human being again. But seeing as how us guys can’t seem to go more than five minutes before we stick our fingers and hands into something we aren’t supposed to, I at least insist that you scrub up after going number one. It is literally the least you can do to prevent the spread of a disease that will eventually be named after you.
Now, I used to be of the mindset that this wasn’t a huge deal and that folks in general, were turning into humongous pussies when it came to germs. But after going cross-eyed and losing count of you sick fucks plucking your pubes, picking your assholes and reaching into the receptacle that you are currently pissing into because a penny is in there (true story), I have now changed my stance. Wash your filthy, germ infested hands…twice. And don’t shake my hand or high five me for a minimum of 10 minutes upon leaving the facilities. I don’t care if our team just won the Super World Series Cup Championship. We can celebrate appropriately at the next commercial break. Until then, keep your mitts to yourself and out of the chips.
5. The urinal is for pissing and pissing only
It says it right in the name, boys. I am not sure why this is so difficult. But since this issue is now chronic, I guess I am going to have to actually say it. You are only supposed to piss in the urinal. You are not to puke in the urinal. You are not to spit in the urinal. You are not to dispose of your gum in the urinal and you are absolutely not allowed, any under circumstances, to shit in the urinal. There is a garbage can for the gum, the sink for you to spit in, a toilet for you to shit in and your girlfriend’s purse in case you have to vomit. In other words, unless it comes out of the hole in your pecker, it doesn’t belong in the urinal.
Now I know what you are thinking. “Sam, semen comes out of my pecker, is that okay for the urinal?”
My answer to that is yes. Because since you aren’t talking to me, I won’t know about it, and since you are at least two stalls down and standing correctly, it won’t be anywhere near me. Plus since you will be washing your hands afterwards and not touching me for a good long while afterwards, I will be in the clear of any urine, semen, blood or syphilis that will be dribbling out of your tally-whacker.