As I sit here on my couch, realizing that we are all on the cusp of joining the last day of the first month of the supposed last year of our planet, I can’t help but think that I might have to forget about sticking to my 2011 resolutions, and perhaps update and upgrade to the 2012 model. While, for the most part, I continue to be great, and amazing (without ever really trying, mind you), I am not obnoxious enough to think that there isn’t room for improvement. Afterall, knowledge is power and if I ever wish to fulfill my childhood dream of being Batman when I grow up, I am going to need plenty more of both. And much like the majority of the American population, I aim to resolve a lot of the same issues that plague us in our personal lives.
Losing Weight: Between being a single guy who lives by himself, having a job that forces me to travel, and of course the booze, it can be a struggle to watch my weight. It can be. But it isn’t. And that is because it has become grossly visible to watch my weight go up and up and up while the rich food, hard alcohol and metabolism goes down, down down. But all of that is a thing of the past. No, I am not giving up good tasting food, and I will be dead and buried before you separate me from my whiskey, but my plan to lose weight relies on a full-proof plan that is often overlooked.
Smoking. That’s right, smoking. I figure if I start replacing on meal a day with a cigarette or two, my caloric intake will drop considerably. That combined with the hardened arteries that make my blood work harder to push through to my heart will generate a spike in my metabolism and my path to a leaner, meaner me will be here. If I am lucky, I will be up to three packs a day as meal replacements by July which is perfect for the swimsuit season.
No Sex with Friends: This one seems like a no brainer, right? For all of the reasons that most of you already know, it is never a good idea to boff your friends. Boffing leads to someone, eventually having more feelings than the other, which leads to someone eventually resenting the other and ultimately results in no sex, and no friend. And what are we without friends? We are MySpace, that’s what (because no one has friends on Myspace…get it? Oh fuck you, it was funny).
So I propose that I put the kibosh on friendly sexcapades and instead focus my sexual efforts on complete and utter strangers. People I meet once at a bar, or in a dark alley that share the same carnal pleasures I do is the ticket to preserving lifelong, healthy friendships, in my opinion. Plus, as an added bonus, if you pickup a homeless person and bring them back to your place for relations, you don’t even have to drive them home in the morning!
Being Tactfully Honest: Now…being honest has never really been an issue for me. At least not as an adult. If you don’t believe me, go ask my cunt ex-girlfriend. But my cunt ex-girlfriend will also tell you that my honestly (especially once she became my ex) was never delivered in a manner to help soften the blow. When I told someone they were fat, I didn’t pussy foot around calling them fat. I would simply come right out and say something like, “so are we all just going to ignore the elephant in the room?” Or perhaps a friend did something that I considered wrong. Chances are, they are going to get an honest earful of criticism from me, which will in turn, lead to me no longer getting to have sex with them.
So here in 2012, I finally resolve to continue telling the truth, but in a tactful, and classy manner. Which means when I tell you that your shit stinks like shit, I will do so with a smile on my face. 🙂