Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me.
The Butterfly Effect
Acrophobia: A fear of heights.
Glossophobia: A fear of public speaking.
Coulrophobia: A fear of clowns.
All very irrational, but very real fears for large amounts of the human population. When I was about four years old, I developed Lepidopterophobia. In other words, I am fucking terrified of butterflies and moths. And when I say terrified, I mean, piss my pants terrified. Running out of the room, screaming like a little girl terrified. Perez Hilton trapped in a women’s locker room terrified. And I have no one to blame but myself…
…And my mom…and my sister…and butterflies.
Growing up with older siblings, you tend to have to scratch and claw and fight for anything you can get to call your own. Toys, furniture, and sometimes clothes are handed down in an effort to save money and extend the life of said items beyond their normal, single life cycle. So when the opportunity arises to separate yourself from them, you take it. In this case, the prize of the day was sitting in the front seat with my mom. A small prize in the grand scheme of things, but one worth fighting for, if for no other reason than to repeatedly roll the window up and down, move the seat back and forth and describe everything I could see through the windshield while my sister sat in the backseat annoyed as all get out.
“Operation: Swoop The Front Seat,” was a success. At least initially it was. Stacy was annoyed, my mom was just happy to get both kids in the car and on the road, and I was now master of the front seat domain, all of the gadgets, levers and buttons were there for me to meddle with. We breezed through town without much of an incident, the sun was out, so I decided to take it easy on the window shenanigans, and left it down. Life was grand. And then it happened. As my mom accelerated to get onto the freeway, I had foolishly left the window down. 35 MPH came and went. A split second later we raced pass 45 MPH and as my mom looked over her shoulder to merge, we whipped passed 55 MPH. All with the window down, creating a pseudo vacuum to occur through the front passenger side. Without notice, and with clear malicious intent, my beautiful, smiling, young face that was embraced by the sun, was enveloped into the shadows.
The shadows of a horrid, wretched creature that sought to take the innocence of a young boy, and succeeded. Before I could even react, the window vacuum had summoned the largest butterfly known to man and sucked it right onto my face. It’s wings wrapped around my head, squeezing tightly like a boa constrictor killing it’s prey. The butterfly’s thorax was undulating on my face like Ron Jeremy In his first porno movie, as my screams of terror and fright were muffled by the hideous insect’s abdomen which covered up my mouth. As I struggled to figure out what devil spawn was attacking me, the only sounds I could hear were the howling laughs emanating from the driver’s seat as well as the back of the car. My mother and sister were in the midst of an unmatched laughing fit. My safety, which was clearly in question, was not even a secondary concern, as these two hyenas got their rocks off watching their supposed “loved one” flail around like an epileptic hippie trying to free himself from the clutches of this stupid fucking bug.
Eventually, the butterfly showed mercy and flew into the backseat of the car. As I wiped the mixture of snot and tears off that had accumulated on my face (along with the butterfly jizz) and tried to calm myself down, I was viciously attacked again. The same butterfly that tried to eat my face was now back in the front seat, fluttering furiously in front of me. It’s wings peppering my face like a bantam weight boxer going up against a heavyweight foe. As I let out another earthquake inducing shriek, the butterfly laughed at me before escaping back through the very same window that it had entered.
And in the span of about a minute, a phobia was developed.
As well as a disdain for freeways, windows being down, family members, and cars in general.