Food is awesome. But some foods are not awesome. The following is a list of the less than stellar bags of chips I have had the displeasure of trying.
5: Lay’s Original BBQ
Too much flavoring and way too greasy. Grabbing a handful of chips out of the bag shouldn’t feel like you shoved your hand up a pig’s ass and parading it around like a puppet. It is impossible to eat an entire bag without writing yourself an apology letter for the damage you just created to your own person. The only use for these is to pour them into a bowl at a picnic or outdoor eating venue, and hope the ants and birds take them. Essentially, these are just ‘looking at” chips.
4: Kettle Brand Krinkle Cut Dill Pickle
First of all, pickles are nothing more than a rotten cucumber. The only reason to ever eat a pickle is if you are homeless and the rest of the food in the dumpster is rancid. So unless you are a diseased hobo, you have no business succumbing to the nastiness of eating garbage. Secondarily, the fact that they then took this flavor of corroded vegetable and sprinkled it on top of a crinkle cut potato chip makes this a health hazard, two times over. Wait, you mean to tell me that I can eat something that tastes like gorilla shit AND slice the roof of my mouth open? Sign me up! I always wanted a sun roof in my MOUTH.
3: Pringles Grilled Shrimp
There is a special place in hell for the creator of this monstrosity. Grilled shrimp, ACTUAL grilled shrimp, is delicious. Regular flavored Pringles, are delicious. But a potato chip that TASTES like grilled shrimp? Kill me. Chips are crunchy and hard, shrimp is not. Combining these two sense into one thing is a mind fuck that even Jenna Jameson wants no part of. It is the taste bud equivalent of watching a lion stalk a zebra but instead of eating it, it has sex with it, instead. It is jarring and unnatural…just like this chip. Also, fuck Pringles for making the cans too small for their fatty customers to adequately reach in and grab from the middle down. You know who is eating your product, you stupid assholes. Give us a fat hand can!
I am pretty sure if you have ever even OPENED one of these bags, you should probably get a full body biopsy done. That is not a natural color of orange. You “food” should never glow. And I am pretty sure if you listen intently, you can actually hear these things humming due to all the nuclear bullshit pumped into this piece of shit. Speaking of which, the design looks like a literal piece of dried up cat shit. Just staring at the bag gives me diarrhea. AND SINCE WHEN IS A CHEETAH FUCKING ORANGE?!?!?! Fuck everything about this fuckery.
The person that invented these should be arrested, imprisoned and ultimately shot in the face for unleashing this evil on the world. Let’s start with opening this sack of crap, shall we? You open it and are immediately greeted with a stunning blast of egregious “air” that smells like Bigfoot’s dick. Honestly, what marketing/R&D person thought it would be a good idea for the chips to actually fart directly into your face upon consumption? Then, if you are able to make it past that, you pull out, what can only be described as, the most disgusting looking thing you will ever lay eyes on. What is a Frito, anyway? I am not entirely sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they weren’t just the leftover toe nails from people who have died. Oh, and if you are somehow not able to smell OR see, you have the pleasure of actually popping these into your mouth and get to experience what it is like if you ate wet sand. You just keep chewing forever like a fucking dairy cow shewing on grass and never actually eat any of it. You just chomp it down into a fine paste before I sort of just fucks off and absorbs into your body. This entire product should be banned unilaterally across all nations.
I would like to point out that I am deathly allergic to Cheetos, which is number two on this list, and not allergic to Fritos.
THAT IS HOW BAD FRITOS ARE. I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CONSUME THESE SHIT FLAKES!