From bachelorhood to fatherhood and everything in between, Sam Marcoux takes to stages throughout the country to turn every day issues into side splitting hilarity. His uniquely aggressive style and take-no-priosoners attitude has earned him the nickname, “The Enforcer”, from fellow comics, bookers and producers.
Sam has headlined and featured at venues all over the western United States and has
worked with comedy icons such as:cropped-sam-portrait0002-edited-12.jpg Louis C.K., SNL’s Kevin Nealon, SNL’s Chris Redd, Aries Spears, Jamie Kennedy, Last Comic Standing’s inaugural winner Dat Phan, Faizon Love, Jim Florentine, Bruce Bruce, Mark Curry, Kabir Singh, Sammy Obeid, Gina Brillon, and more. He is a regular at all the major San Francisco Bay Area comedy clubs and rooms.
Beyond the stage, Sam is the Co-Creator and Executive Producer of the television
show, “Side Hustle” which is currently in production, as well as the star of the award
winning sports podcast, “Welcome To Perfectville”.

Food is awesome. But some foods are not awesome. The following is a list of the less than stellar bags of chips I have had the displeasure of trying.

5: Lay’s Original BBQ

Toolays much flavoring and way too greasy. Grabbing a handful of chips out of the bag shouldn’t feel like you shoved your hand up a pig’s ass and parading it around like a puppet. It is impossible to eat an entire bag without writing yourself an apology letter for the damage you just created to your own person. The only use for these is to pour them into a bowl at a picnic or outdoor eating venue, and hope the ants and birds take them. Essentially, these are just ‘looking at” chips.

 

 

4: Kettle Brand Krinkle Cut Dill Pickle

kettleFirst of all, pickles are nothing more than a rotten cucumber. The only reason to ever eat a pickle is if you are homeless and the rest of the food in the dumpster is rancid. So unless you are a diseased hobo, you have no business succumbing to the nastiness of eating garbage. Secondarily, the fact that they then took this flavor of corroded vegetable and sprinkled it on top of a crinkle cut potato chip makes this a health hazard, two times over. Wait, you mean to tell me that I can eat something that tastes like gorilla shit AND slice the roof of my mouth open? Sign me up! I always wanted a sun roof in my MOUTH.

 

3: Pringles Grilled Shrimp

pringlesThere is a special place in hell for the creator of this monstrosity. Grilled shrimp, ACTUAL grilled shrimp, is delicious. Regular flavored Pringles, are delicious. But a potato chip that TASTES like grilled shrimp? Kill me. Chips are crunchy and hard, shrimp is not. Combining these two sense into one thing is a mind fuck that even Jenna Jameson wants no part of. It is the taste bud equivalent of watching a lion stalk a zebra but instead of eating it, it has sex with it, instead. It is jarring and unnatural…just like this chip. Also, fuck Pringles for making the cans too small for their fatty customers to adequately reach in and grab from the middle down. You know who is eating your product, you stupid assholes. Give us a fat hand can!

 

2: Cheetos

Icheetos am pretty sure if you have ever even OPENED one of these bags, you should probably get a full body biopsy done. That is not a natural color of orange. You “food” should never glow. And I am pretty sure if you listen intently, you can actually hear these things humming due to all the nuclear bullshit pumped into this piece of shit. Speaking of which, the design looks like a literal piece of dried up cat shit. Just staring at the bag gives me diarrhea. AND SINCE WHEN IS A CHEETAH FUCKING ORANGE?!?!?! Fuck everything about this fuckery.

 

 

1: Fritos

fritos

The person that invented these should be arrested, imprisoned and ultimately shot in the face for unleashing this evil on the world. Let’s start with opening this sack of crap, shall we? You open it and are immediately greeted with a stunning blast of egregious “air” that smells like Bigfoot’s dick. Honestly, what marketing/R&D person thought it would be a good idea for the chips to actually fart directly into your face upon consumption? Then, if you are able to make it past that, you pull out, what can only be described as, the most disgusting looking thing you will ever lay eyes on. What is a Frito, anyway? I am not entirely sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they weren’t just the leftover toe nails from people who have died. Oh, and if you are somehow not able to smell OR see, you have the pleasure of actually popping these into your mouth and get to experience what it is like if you ate wet sand. You just keep chewing forever like a fucking dairy cow shewing on grass and never actually eat any of it. You just chomp it down into a fine paste before I sort of just fucks off and absorbs into your body.  This entire product should be banned unilaterally across all nations.

I would like to point out that I am deathly allergic to Cheetos, which is number two on this list, and not allergic to Fritos.

THAT IS HOW BAD FRITOS ARE. I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CONSUME THESE SHIT FLAKES!

 

/Tigerclaw

BOOKINGS:

To book Sam Marcoux for comedy shows, corporate gigs, private parties and show appearances:

E-mail: Samisneat10@gmail.com

SOCIAL MEDIA:

Friend Sam on Facebook: Sam Marcoux

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abelcar

Comedian Abel Jaramillo returns to the show to discuss an incident that happened in his early 20’s that involved him hitting a pedestrian on the freeway, a dead body, and him having to eventually turn himself in to the authorities. Listen during Happy Hour to hear the entire, crazy story.  In Stupid/Drunken News we meet a Maryland man who had a four hour standoff with police after someone took a bite of his sandwich, and as always, Sam and Matt review the beers on What’s On Tap.

Plus, Matt Says A Movie Thing, and our first Dead Celebrity of 2017 is revealed!

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Steve Austin’s Broken Skull IPA, go to http://elsegundobrewing.com/

For more information on Oaklore Brown Ale, head over to http://www.evansbrewco.com/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

mattaccident

Sam and Matt return from their winter break to discuss Matt’s recent car troubles during Happy Hour. Anheuser-Busch and Keurig team up to try and create a “Beerig” in Stupid/Drunken News. And of course, our favorite part of every show, What’s On Tap, where we review beer and spirits for your listening, and our tasting, pleasure. This episode, I review Snowshoe Brewing’s Lodgepole IPA, while Matt reviews Johnnie Walker Red.

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Snowshoe Brewing’s Lodgepole IPA go to www.SnowshoeBrewing.com

For more information on Johnnie Walker Red, head over to www.JohnnieWalker.com

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

untitled-hatesgiving

The tradition is officially a tradition! Sam and Matt are back to discuss all of the things they hate for 2016 in their 2nd annual Hatesgiving Day Parade! What returning television show has Matt up in arms? A certain tire company has raised Sam’s ire. And why DO people feel compelled to knock on the bathroom door when it is closed and the light is on, anyway?

We also review Imperial Coffee and Cigarettes Porter from Cellarmaker Brewing Company out of San Francisco, California and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ale by New Belgium Brewing from Fort Collins, Colorado.

Stupid/Drunken News takes us to Florida (shocking) where a man missed the toilet at a 7-Eleven and urinated in the beer refrigerator, instead.

Plus, Matt Says A Movie Thing!

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Cellermaker’s Imperial Coffee and Cigarettes Porter, go to www.cellarmakerbrewing.com

For more information on Fort Collins’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ale, head over to http://www.newbelgium.com/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

 

cullen

Sam and Matt review beer from Sierra Nevada out of Chico, California and Rogue Ales from Newport, Oregon. Sam’s worlds collide as his OTHER podcast host, Chris Cullen, joins us for “Happy Hour” to discuss his show, “Perfectville”, being a part of radio history with Dan LeBatard during the “Tim Hardaway Incident”, performing Improv comedy and his role as a “Thrillcaster” for Carowinds Theme Parks.

And in “Stupid/Drunken News”, a German man gets in trouble with the law after beating the crap out of another man’s rear end with an 11″ sausage…

Plus, Matt Says A Movie Thing!

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Sierra Nevada’s Celebration Ale, visit: http://www.sierranevada.com/beer/seasonal/celebration-ale

For more information on Rogue Ales visit: http://www.rogue.com/rogue_beer/voodoo-doughnut-grape-guerrilla/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

presidents

The next President Of The United States will be elected on November 8th. But given the choices, Matt Somerville and Sam Marcoux figured it was best to give their audience a TRUE third option. The boys run down what they would do if they were President. Everything from exploding cars, to healthy junk food and finally getting their hover boards that movies promised to them in their childhood, Sam and Matt right the nation’s wrongs. Or at least, they give themselves stuff that they want.

Plus, a man gets a DUI while driving a bar stool. Yep, you read that right.

We officially introduce a new segment called, “Matt Says A Movie Thing”, and of course, BEER REVIEWS!

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Anderson Valley’s Summer Solstice, visit: https://avbc.com/our-beers/summer-solstice/

For more information on Gordon Biersch’s Chum Red Ale, visit: http://www.gordonbierschbrewing.com/styles/chum/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

 

davidlewpd

Comedian David Lew joins the show to talk about his decade long run in stand-up comedy, his never ending fight against cancer, and how getting scammed out of $80, was the best money he ever spent. David suffers from a rare type of cancer that isn’t curable. Having been diagnosed officially in 2014, David discusses how he was unofficially told he had it in 2012 and why he did nothing about it, at the time.

Support David Lew by going to his website: http://www.DavidLew.net and you can buy tickets to his headlining weekend at Tommy T’s in Rancho Cordova by going to www.TommysRancho.com

Plus, Matt returns to the show to review Three Philosophers by Brewery Ommegang out of Cooperstown, New York. Meanwhile Sam reviews Frucht Blueberry by Bruery Terreux, out of Orange County, California. Matt also debuts a new segment, cleverly called, “Matt Says A Movie Thing” where he recommends a movie for your viewing pleasure each week.

And of course…Stupid/Drunken News brings us to New Mexico where a man is caught by the cops after trying to steal doughnuts…shocking.

 

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Brewery Ommegang, visit: www.Ommegang.com

For more information on Bruery Terreux, visit: www.brueryterreux.com/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

 

pd-steph-garcia

Predictably Drunk is back! Season three of the popular podcast kicks off with a familiar face as Comedian and Reality TV Star, Steph Garcia re-joins the show to talk about her new show on The Food Network, Worst Bakers In America, (debuting Sunday, October 2nd), her big show at the Roseville Theatre on Saturday, October 15th and why she has decided to quit Facebook for good.

Plus, Sam reviews a beer from Strike Brewing in San Jose, California and stupid/drunken news takes us to Florida (shocking).

For tickets to Steph’s show at the Roseville Theatre: Comedy Night Tickets

For more information on Worst Bakers In America, go to: http://www.foodnetwork.com/shows/worst-bakers-in-america.html

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For more information on Strike Brewing Company, visit: http://www.strikebrewingco.com/

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

 

 

bestworstspielberg

Sam and Matt return in an EPIC podcast that discusses the best and worst movies of Steven Spielberg’s illustrious career. From reviving dinosaurs in the 1990’s to setting back race relations in the 1970’s, Mr. Spielberg has had quite the career. Known primarily for his amazing films, many people don’t realize how crap-tastic some of Steven’s movies are and were. Matt unravels his knowledge of the famous director and fills you in one what flicks are the best, and more importantly, which ones are the worst.

Additionally, in Stupid/Drunken News, a man crashes his car while driving drunk…and playing Pokemon Go. And as always, Matt and Sam review two new beers during the What’s On Tap segment. This week we tackle beers from San Diego’s Ballast Point and Bear Republic out of Healdsburg, California.

 

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

For more information on Ballast Point, go to their website: http://www.ballastpoint.com/

For more information on Bear Republic Brewing Co., go to their website: https://bearrepublic.com/

 

 

 

sillygoose

Noah Gain from the “Shane & Gain Podcast” sits down with Sam at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco to discuss Noah’s start in comedy, his infertility discovery and the green room faux pas that caused him to get the nickname, “D’Angelo”. Plus, Jeff Koenig delivers awful  pick up lines and both he and Noah reveal how they are victims of a fellow comedian.

Plus, Matt re-joins the show to discuss his newborn son, what his first drink was after the birth and why drinking beer has become more difficult after having a child.

Additionally, we review Deschutes Brewery’s  Black Butte Porter, as well as Anheuser-Busch’s Bud Light Chelada.

And in Stupid/Drunken news, we find out what cities in the United States, are the most drunk.

Follow the show on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk, as well as Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast and check out our website www.predictablydrunk.com

Subscribe to the podcast on Itunes and Stitcher Radio and be sure to RATE AND REVIEW!

Follow Noah Gain on Twitter @Noah_Gain and check out his podcast, “Shane & Gain”.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy.

 

 

 

tommylama2

The Tommy Lama joins the show from The Laugh Factory in Las Vegas, Nevada to talk about his previously wasted life, his ideas to help unionize the Nudie Card Slappers of America and explain the benefits of gun violence. The Tommy Lama can be seen, enlightening the masses at The Laugh Factory inside the Tropicana Hotel and Casino on The Strip in Las Vegas, Thursday through Monday.

Also, Matt has his first kid, Sam eviscerates a Sierra Nevada seasonal beer and Stupid/Drunken news takes us to Paris, Arkansas. 

Follow The Tommy Lama on Twitter @ TommySavitt and visit his website www.tommylama.com/

Follow Sam on Twitter @ Tigerclawmedy and get all of his tour dates at www.predictablydrunk.com/

 

Subscribe to the show on Itunes, Facebook, and Stitcher Radio and MAKE SURE TO RATE US!

 

 

 

mikeygarrest

Professional Wrestler and Stand-Up Comedian, Mikey G (AKA Sea Bass) joined the show to explain his recent arrest in St. Louis at The Funny Bone. During this leg of his national comedy tour, the Cotton Mouth Comedy Tour, Mikey found himself in his hometown of St. Louis, Missouri. While headlining the local comedy club for friends, family and fans, an incident broke out that ended with Mikey G behind bars. In addition, Mikey discusses his pro wrestling career and lets us know when to be concerned about blood loss while battling in the squared circle.

Plus, Matt and Sam review Pick Six Pilsner by Pizza Port Brewing Company, as well as Denogginizer by Drake’s Brewing Company.

And in Stupid/Drunken News, Germany now has underground pipes to pump beer from the brewery, directly to the bottling plant. European ingenuity at its finest!

For Mikey G’s comedy and wrestling events,  visit his website at www.comedysuplex.com

For more information on Pizza Port Brewing Co. visit their website at http://www.pizzaport.com/

For more information on Drake’s Brewing Co. visit their website at http://drinkdrakes.com/

The Stupid/Drunken News story about the beer pipeline can be found at https://www.yahoo.com/news/beer-flow-city-belgian-pipe-dream-comes-true-101641047.html

Like Predictably Drunk on facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Visit our website at www.PredictablyDrunk.com

Follow Sam on Twitter  @Tigerclawmedy

 

 

 

PDQuentin

This week Sam and Matt discuss the best and worst movies of Hollywood Director, Quentin Tarantino. From groundbreaking films to forgettable westerns, the world famous movie maker has dipped his toes into many movie genres with varying degrees of success. Find out what hit film of his made it on the worst list!

Plus, the guys review the beers “Optimator” by Spaten and “9 To 5 Pale Ale” by Working Man Brewing Company.

And in a new segment called, “Stupid/Drunken News”, Matt and Sam talk about the 5-second rule after a recent article on the topic dropped onto the internet floor (don’t worry, we picked it up in four seconds). Read all about it here.

 

 

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @PredictablyDrunk

Like us on Facebook @PredictablyDrunkPodcast.

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

Subscribe to us on ITUNES and RATE AND REVIEW US!

For more information on Spaten go to their website: http://www.spatenbeer.com/

For more information on Working Man Brewing Company, go to their website: http://workingmanbrewing.com/

3idiots

 

Kabir discusses the recent dumbassery of his friend, and aspiring comic/idiot, Noah Gain. Plus, Jeremy reveals what song he sings to Jeff every morning.

 

 

 

 

Sam and Matt trade drunken stories of yesteryear. From throwing up in taxi cabs, to peeing in bushes. And which one of the two of them jumped out of a hotel window without ever spilling a drop of his beer? Find out in this week’s episode of Predictably Drunk: Smart People Talking About Stupid Things.

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @Predictably Drunk, on Facebook @Predictably Drunk and http://www.PredictablyDrunk.com

Subscribe to Predictably Drunk on iTunes and RATE AND REVIEW the show! Do that by going here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/predictably-drunk/id964905672?mt=2

 

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy.

 

 

 

3idiots

Kabir SIngh, Jeremy Curry and Jeff Koenig sit down to discuss the Golden State Warriors losing to The Oklahoma City Thunder, as well as Jeff’s love life. Plus, we find out what Jeff wanted to be growing up and how he lit a fence on fire using a water gun.

 

Special appearance by Sam Marcoux

 

 

Sam is on the road…literally. Recording from his car with fellow comedian, Pete Munoz, Predictably Drunk is driving to it’s latest gig and talking to Pete about his start in comedy, being a Spurs fan living in Warriors country, the strangest comedy gigs he has ever gotten and his propensity to fight with his comedy brethren on social media.

The San Jose born and raised comic is the poster boy for the South Bay comedy scene. Hitting mics 7 nights a week, Pete brings his witty riffing and improv style that cannot be matched.

Follow Pete Munoz on Twitter @ PtrMunoz

Follow Sam on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy

For comedy tour dates and podcast news, visit www.PredictablyDrunk.com

Follow us on Instagram @ PredictablyDrunk

Subscribe on iTunes and RATE THE SHOW! Do that by clicking here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/predictably-drunk/id964905672?mt=2

 


 

 

Mario The Butcher sits down to talk to Sam before a recent comedy show. An extremely honest and candid interview where Mario talks about his struggles with drinking, the hardest part about being homeless and getting in trouble in the military. We also discuss his successful comedy career, getting out of speeding tickets and of course, having the coolest nickname ever.

Follow Mario on Twitter at @MarioMontes65

Follow Sam on Twitter at @Tigerclawmedy

For all of Sam’s tour dates, go to https://sammarcoux.com/

Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram @Predictablydrunk

Subscribe to us on Itunes, keyword Predictably Drunk, and RANK US!

 

 

 

 

Sam and Matt discuss some of the unwritten rules of comedy. In other word,s the nonsense rules that people are too lazy to write down and post somewhere in the club for aspiring comedians to read and learn. Listen and learn what the number one unwritten rule of comedy is, and how to easily avoid it. Plus, if you think running the light isn’t a big deal, find out why you are dead wrong.

 

In addition, Matt can’t pronounce, or spell, Lagunitas correctly, despite the label of the beer being directly in front of him while we podcast. Ross Baker gets his verbal beatdown from your Predictably Drunk Heroes, and more! Not much more…but some…okay, very little else, but whatever. Just listen and enjoy.

Subscribe to us in Itunes and Stitcher Radio and RATE US! Find the entire catalog on http://www.PredictablyDrunk.com

Follow Sam on Twitter at @Tigerclawmedy or go to http://www.SamMarcoux.com for information on upcoming tour dates.

 

 

 

Sam returns from being on the road for comedy and discusses his recent gigs in Reno, Lake Tahoe, San Luis Obispo, and Sunnyvale as part of Rooster T. Feathers’ annual comedy competition. In addition, Matt joins in to discuss his recent back troubles that include slipped discs in his back that will require surgery.

Plus, the show welcomes it’s official announcer, Ross Baker, to the show. Ross and his “Golden Voice of Tremendousness”, come to the show from Reno, Nevada where he works as a professional announcer for live events, radio and more. Which begs the quesiton…why the hell is he slumming it with us?

 

-Subscribe to Predictably Drunk on Itunes and Stitcher Radio. PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW US!
-Follow Sam on Twitter at @Tigerclawmedy and for tour dates, visit www.SamMarcoux.com.

 

-Follow Predictably Drunk on Instagram at PredictablyDrunk, on Facebook at PredictablyDrunkPodcast and the website www.PredictablyDrunk.com.

 

-Music by: Koma

 

 

Ellis Rodriguez sits down with Sam in the green room of Tommy T’s before the Predictably Drunk Comedy All-Stars to discuss a myriad of topics. From the positives and negatives of being a good looking guy in comedy, to sharing how to pull pranks properly in the military, and even being so funny, that you make an audience member poop themselves, Ellis holds nothing back.

A semi-finalist in the Comedy Central New Talent Search and 3rd Place in the World Series of Comedy, Mr. Rodriguez has an extremely bright future in front of him. Look for him on Kevin Hart’s new project on Comedy Central, later this year.

Visit Ellis’s website at www.ellisrodriguez.com and follow him on Twitter @ellistrated.

Visit Sam’s website at www.sammarcoux.com and follow him on Twitter @Tigerclawmedy.

Follow the show, “Predictably Drunk,” by liking our page on Facebook, www.facebook.com/PredictablyDrunkPodcast, on Instagram, www.instagram.com/predictablydrunk and FOLLOW US ON ITUNES  AND RANK US!!!

 

 

 

Sam is drunk and on the road for comedy, so Matt interviews ComicCon Exhibitor and artist, Jon Bolerjack. Jon is a former Production Artist at DC Comics, and Inker at Wildstorm, as well as Aspen Comics. He is currently working with Stan Lee (yes THAT Stan Lee) on a video project in addition to selling his unique brand of art online, and at comic book conventions around the world.

Jon and Matt discuss Jon’s background and how he got into the comic book industry, as well as the hardships of working over 20 trade shows a year. Jon gives his top five drawbacks of comic book conventions and yes, comic book fan’s body odor is on the list.  In addition, Jon tells us what Stan Lee is really like and what the creator of The Marvel Universe’s future plans include.

Additionally, Jon gives you, the nerds, helpful hints on how to navigate through San Diego ComicCon, as well as what to NOT ask Stan Lee and what NOT to do when visiting the various exhibitors at these shows.

You can follow Jon Bolerjack on Instagram at JonBolerjackArt

You can follow the show on Instagram at Predictably Drunk, on Facebook at Predictably Drunk Podcast and visit our website at www.predictablydrunk.com. You can subscribe to us on Itunes and DON’t FORGET TO RATE US!

You can follow Sam Marcoux on Instagram at Sam Marcoux, on Facebook at Sam Marcoux and Twitter at Tigerclawmedy. You can also go to www.SamMarcoux.com to get all the latest news on his tour dates, media appearances and more.

Music by: Koma

 

Sam and Matt discuss the WORST fast food restaurant chains around. From disappointing pizza parlors, to bland, over hyped California staples, and even the restaurants that are guaranteed to give you splatter ass upon consumption of their product, we explore the worst of the worst to save your arteries and butt holes from exploding.

Plus, Sam is deathly ill and has a ruptured ear drum and Matt is suffering from an epidural shot in his spine, but both power through for the sake of the show. You’re welcome!

 

 

Follow the show at Predictably Drunk.

Follow Sam on TwitterInstagram and Facebook.

Buy tickets to the Predictably Drunk Comedy All-Stars show on March 8th, here.

 

In one of the best podcasts to date, Sam and Matt discuss the hardships of getting sponsors and endorsement deals for the show because of the word “drunk,” in the title. To remedy that, they spit ball some alternate names for the show to try and appeal to advertisers as a whole. The results are hilarious and disturbing. Plus, Matt drinks a non-Oregon beer, Sam talks about snake humping and of course, boobs!

 

 

Follow Sam on twitter at Tigerclawmedy.

Follow Dildo Baggins on twitter at Dildo Baggins.

Check out Sam’s comedy tour dates at SamMarcoux.com

 

Predictably Drunk’s birthday is here! The podcast turns one this week and to celebrate, both Sam AND Matt have huge announcements to share with the audience. Additionally, Sam realizes just how old he is getting as he experiences his first three-day hangover and gets his ass verbally handed to him by a punk kid on the street. Plus, Matt hates a famous comedian and drinks even more beer from Oregon.

Follow Sam on TwitterFacebookYoutube and Instagram, as well as his website for all upcoming tour dates and appearances.

Follow Predictably Drunk on Facebook Fan PageInstagram and PredictablyDrunk.com for all the latest podcast updates. Subscribe to us on iTunes and RATE US!

Matt wishes for you to follow him…to hell.

 

 

 

Sam and Matt trade drunken stories of their past. Which one of us has a propensity for stripping down to our boxers and walking around in public? Was it Sam or Matt that had a naked man throw up all over them? Plus, drunken time traveling, random photos of people in our phone and Matt has an abundance of broken clocks in his home.

Follow Sam on TwitterFacebookInstagram, and Youtube.

Follow Predictably Drunk on FacebookInstagram, and PredictablyDrunk.com

Follow Matt…at your own risk.

Subscribe on iTunes and RATE THE PODCAST!

 

 

Sam discusses being recognized by people from his professional wrestling days while doing comedy. Additionally, Sam discusses the weirdest things that have happened to him once he has been recognized by fans on the street. Matt reminisces about his high school backyard wrestling federation and how he almost accidentally killed his friend by throwing him off the roof of his house.

Sam also gives tips about how to properly dispense the beer from your growler, Matt wonders aloud what a meeting between Sam and his biological father might be like and Matt calls Sam old in creative and mean ways.

 


 

Follow Sam on TwitterFacebookInstagram, and Youtube.

Follow Matt…at your own risk.

Also check out SamMarcoux.com for the latest on tour dates and other weird stuff.

Music by: Koma

 

 

Sam and Matt discuss the overabundance of social networking on the Internet. From Facebook, to Twitter, to Instagram and every other online gathering spot, the boys discuss the ridiculousness of it all, as well as the necessity for it’s existence. In addition, Matt randomly starts bleeding for no apparent reason and Sam recalls getting the bubble guts from insanely hot salsa recently while in Monterey, California.

Follow Sam on TwitterInstagramYoutube, and Facebook. You can also find all of his tour dates on SamMarcoux.com.

For the entire Predictably Drunk Series, go to PredictablyDrunk.com.

You can’t follow Matt. He doesn’t like you. Sorry.

 

 

 

Sam and Matt take on the ultimate nerd debate and finally settle which franchise is better: Star Wars or Star Trek? Plus, Matt talks about going to film festivals, Sam mocks Matt’s musical tastes and of course, beer. Lots and lots of beer.

Follow Sam on TwitterFacebook and Instagram. You can also visit his website at www.SamMarcoux.com for all of his comedy dates.

Follow Predictably Drunk: The Podcast on Facebook, and Instagram.

Please do not follow Matt. He gets sweaty and nervous.

Music By: Koma

 

 

 

 

Comedian Kabir “Kabeezy” Singh celebrated his 31st birthday on December 30th, 2015. As a gift, his comedy friends decided to hold a roast in his honor. Nothing was off limits, no one was spared. Roasters included: Sammy Obeid, Mario Montes, Bryant Hicks, Jeremy Curry, Jeff Koenig, Chelsea Bearce, D.J. Sandhu, Greg “G” Williams, Reggie Matthews, Nick Hanna, Priyanka Wali, Abel Jaramillo, Jonny Eller, and closed out by me, Sam Marcoux.

 

2015 is coming to an end, but not before one last episode of Predictably Drunk is brewed! Sam discusses his recent troubles with a certain corporate pizza chain, getting his bank accounts hacked and experiencing his first Comedy Roast Battle, which is the new, hot trend in stand-up comedy.

In addition, Sam introduces his new, permanent co-host in what might be, the least amount of fan fare possible. Matt Somerville joins Sam to discuss his new role on the show, drink copious amounts of beer and give his perspective on all things within the entertainment industry.

Follow Sam on Twitter, friend Sam on Facebook, and keep up with all of the show happenings on Instagram.

You can also check out Sam’s Comedy Tour Dates at http://www.SamMarcoux.com.

You can follow Matt Somerville…walking to his car.

Music by: Koma

 

 

 

As the creator, editor, producer and host of the popular podcast, “Predictably Drunk”, I often get requests from people looking to start their own podcast, on how to get started. What equipment do they need, how do they upload it to iTunes and how long until they can retire from their day jobs do to the sheer amount of revenue your podcast will undoubtedly bring in. The answers, of course, are broad, varied and perhaps not exactly what you want to hear. But given that I have had no less than a dozen requests from fellow Stand-Up Comedians, and a handful from normal folks (I call them “normies”), I figured I would at least lend my under qualified expertise to getting someone started. In this installment, we will focus on the actual equipment. The hardware and software needed to record your sexy, sexy voice into a machine. In addition, I will attempt to give some advice that I wish someone gave me before starting my own death march to obscurity. Whoops, I meant to say podcast (damn Autocorrect).

Computer

It seems pretty obvious, right? But you would be surprised at how many times people ask me if they need a computer in order to do a podcast. Technically, the answer is no, you do not. But I promise you that your podcast will be awful and un-listenable if you do not have one. Technically speaking, of course. Personally, it doesn’t really matter what type of computer you use. Laptop, desktop, or tablet will all work. What does matter is that you:

A: Have enough memory to store all of your awesome podcasts that you will record and make a bajillion dollars off of

B: Know what operating system you are running (Apple IOS, Microsoft, etc.)

C: Have a compatible sound editing software that you are comfortable using (more on this later. What? You want to know more now? Too bad, you pushy, impatient prick. You have to wait).

Dude, I got a Dell
Dude, I got a Dell

Personally, I rely on my Dell Latitude E7440. Multiple USB inputs, HDMI cable, audio jack for headphone, and enough memory to let an Alzheimer’s patient borrow some. Since it is a Dell, I run a Microsoft operating system, and as such, I use a compatible audio editing software (see? I told you there would be more later) in Audacity. Audacity is a free program (you hear that? F-R-E-E) that allows you to manipulate your recordings in a seemingly, never ending amount of ways. From cleaning up sound artifacts from your original recordings, to laying down music tracks underneath your spoken words, and distorting your voice to make you sound better than you actually do (I use this feature A LOT). Audacity also allows you to record directly into the program and export it as an .mp3 file (AKA the file needed to publish to the interwebz) or import existing media and edit to your heart’s desire. There are other software’s out there that you can use, and I am sure they are way cooler and kick-assier than Audacity, but for the vast majority of all of us, Audacity will get the job done. Plus, did I mention it was F-R-E-E?

User Interface for Audacity
User Interface for Audacity

If you are running an Apple based operating system, you are screwed. Sorry.

Just kidding. I recommend Garage Band. Occasionally, I will record a podcast through my iPad, and as such, I need the ability to edit and upload through that app. I believe the price point is reasonable. As an app on a mobile device (iPhone, iPad, etc.) it is is $4.99 and for Mac laptops, it is a F-R-E-E-mium app. Meaning the base package is a free download with in-app purchases (which I doubt you would need for a verbal podcast, but feel free to buy those synth drum kits, if you so desire).

The other reason for having a laptop/desktop/tablet is for uploading your filed to your dedicated website that you should get for your podcast. But that is a topic for another blog. That blog isn’t written yet, but trust me, if you are reading this, you have plenty to do ahead of that one.

Microphone(s)

Along with the computer where you can edit, manipulate and record your voice, you will need a device to actually speak into. In other words, you need a microphone. Can you record your voice using your computer’s built-in microphone? Can you record your voice into your smart phone’s recording mechanism? Sure. But much like not having a computer, not having a dedicated microphone to speak into, your recordings will suffer and your listenership’s ears will bleed. Unless you are in a Death Metal band, bleeding ears by your fans is typically frowned upon.

There are two basic types of microphones. USB and XLR. I have both types and cannot really recommend one type over another. When I am podcasting by myself (i.e. my guest canceled on me), and am in my home studio (garage) I tend to use my Audio-Technica AT-2020.

AT-2020
AT-2020

This is a USB condenser microphone that plugs directly into my computer, and I can record right into Audacity and edit whatever I need to edit, immediately after. This is also my set up when interviewing guest via Skype, Zoom, or whatever popular audio social media program you prefer. This microphone is extremely popular for podcasts and music recordings and as such, is priced at around $100, per. I bought two of these when I was setting up my podcasting space. They are good microphones, but honestly, you can get by with cheaper equipment than this. USB microphones also tend to have more of a “hissing” sound when listening to the raw recording, which means you tend to have to do a lot of clean up in post production, which can be a pain in the ass if you don’t like editing (no one likes editing, for the record). The other issue I have found is that if you use multiple USB microphones (i.e. a live co-host or interview), and record into Audacity, it lumps everything into a single track, which sucks…a lot. Multiple tracks allow you to individually edit each recording and make for a better finish product for your podcast. Additionally, I have experienced latency issues with these microphones (basically, your voice gets picked up on both microphones and fucks up your recording).

If you go this route, I recommend getting a mixing board. It will split the tracks and give you more immediate control over all aspects of your recording (again, more on this later)

If I am interviewing someone in the green room of a comedy club, at a festival, or in a car while traveling to a gig (I recommend not podcasting and driving, for the record), I go to my “travel” microphones Audio_Technica ATR-2100.

ATR-2100
ATR-2100

You can find these at most electronics stores and are infinitely cheaper than the above mentioned AT-2020s. I bought a couple of these at Fry’s Electronics and have been extremely impressed. These are an XLR based plug in, which means they will not plug into most computers directly. So going this route means that you are most likely going to need an external recorder or a mixing board. The upside to these mics is that the dreaded “hissing” sound I mentioned about USB microphones is virtually non-existent. Many times I have recorded a podcast with these mics and have been able to put some basic finishing touches on the raw audio (intro music, sound effects, etc.) and release to my adoring fans without having to mess with the audio at all. They can be a tad cumbersome to lug around versus some smaller, lighter options, but the sound quality is crucial. I liken it to a woman cramming her fat feet into a pair of high heels for a night on the town. Sure, she could wear slippers or tennis shoes and be more comfortable, but the quality of the presentation takes a hit (Was that sexist? That felt sexist. Oh well, get over it, bitches).

 

Pop Filters

You need these. Make sure you buy these. They make your lack of articulation on your P’s and B’s be silky smooth. These are cheap, effective and worth it.

Dirty, dirty, dirty POP
Dirty, dirty, dirty POP

 

Shock Mounts

This is one of those pieces of hardware that you can technically live without, but life is much better with them. Basically, if you can afford to add these, do it. Essentially, these act as a shock absorber for your microphone. Your mics slide into the mount, the mount is threaded into your microphone stand and all the normal bumps, bangs, and vibrations that a microphone is

Shockmaster
Shockmaster

exposed to during the recording process, are removed. At least in theory, anyway. If you decide to use your microphone as a boxing speed bag, no shock mount in the world will prevent the sound from being picked up. But most reasonable people elect NOT to physically abuse their microphones (rock stars aren’t reasonable people, they are animals and degenerates, so save me that argument), so you should be fine picking a couple of these up (one per microphone)

 

 

 

Sound Softening Squares

Again, a small, cheap, and simple addition to your studio/recording space that can make a large difference in sound quality. You have seen these in music and radio studios and can be purchased for cheap. Basically, what you are doing with these is preventing your own stupid voice from bouncing off the walls and coming right back at you and creating an echo chamber for your recordings. Listen, we all love the sound of our own voice, we just don’t need to hear it twice, split about a nano second a part. It will drive you nucking futs. Depending on the size of your recording area, you may have to purchase a bunch of these, but again, well worth it. And no, you don’t have to do the entire room.

The Sound (softening squares) of Silence
The Sound (softening squares) of Silence

And yes, you can do whatever crazy pattern you like. The total net area of coverage is what is important here, not what it looks like. As for what that area is, there are different schools of thought. Personally, I noticed a major uptick in sound quality once I covered roughly 25% of the wall. But I record in my garage that has a concrete floor. If you are recording where carpet is cushioning your feet, you may need less as your rug may act as a sound softener as well.

 

Microphone Stands

If you are going to record in the same spot each time, microphone stands are your friends. Dialing in where the mics should be in relation to you and your guests, etc., can be a bitch. And having to do it every single time is even bitchier. Mic stands allow you to lock in those mics at their ideal locations.

 

External Recorder/Mixing Board

This is an area that I learned I needed via experience. Basically, unless you want to lug your computer around everywhere when recording a podcast in a different location, an external audio recorder is crucial. I am not sure if I would be doing podcasts still without my Zoom H4N. This thing is my best friend. First off, it allows for multiple channel recordings, utilizes a standard SD memory card that easily pops into your laptop for post production work and has more inputs ready for use than Jenna Jameson in her prime. My XLR microphones plug into the bottom of this and the two tracks are automatically split during the recording. Which, as stated earlier, is a dream for post production. It also allows for a boom mic through an audio jack, micro USB plugs and an on board microphone for recording in a pinch. This is an expensive piece of equipment, but one that is essential if you take your podcast seriously.

Let me tell you about my BEST FRIEND
Let me tell you about my BEST FRIEND

As for mixing boards, I currently do not use one as I typically am fine with a single guest joining me. But if you want to have the Golden State Warriors starting line up on your show at the same time, then a mixing board that controls multiple microphones independently, is the way to go. Much like the recorder above, the advantage to a mixing board is that you have the ability to control mic levels, pre-load sounds, phone calls, etc. It is what most radio shows and music producers use (although theirs are extremely more sophisticated than what you will need) and allows you to record more stuff live, as opposed to dropping things in, in post production (can you tell I hate post production?)  Lots of options for mixing boards out there. I would defer you to other folks who you can Google (fuck promotimg other people, right?). But the one I am currently focused on getting is the Behringer XENYX Q1212USB. Good reviews and allows me to record up to four people in stereo at the same time. Pretty much fits all of my needs.

 

And that concludes the hardware/software portion of starting a podcast. There are other options, brands, and ways to podcast, but those ways are incorrect, and you are stupid to take their advice over mine. In forthcoming posts, I will discuss how to get your finished blog up onto the internet, iTunes, Stitcher and podcast sites, in general, as well as recommendations on what to podcast about, what your schedule should be and how to find guests. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at samisneat10@gmail.com.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Predictably Drunk on my website or on iTunes.

badmovie

 

The latest episode of Predictably Drunk sees Sam and Matt Somerville discussing the WORST HOLIDAY MOVIES EVER. From snowmen that come alive due to a magical harmonica, to Santa Claus reuniting with his brother, and yes, even Arnold  himself, chasing down a Turbo Man for his kid, the Holidays bring us goodwill, cheer, and awful, awful movies.

Find out which Christmas Clunkers made the naughty list and be sure to thank us later when you are able to avoid these on basic cable. Remember folks, we watched these bad movies so that you don’t have to.

 

 

 

 

Follow Sam on:

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.PredictablyDrunk.com

 

 

Predictably Drunk’s Hollywood Insider, Matt Somerville, and Medical Expert, Steve Curry re-join the podcast to discuss everything that we hated in 2015. From movie popcorn, to the movie, “Frozen,” and even testicles, no angry stone goes un-turned as the three childhood friends lash out during the happiest time of the year.

Catch Sam Marcoux at:

http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

http://www.Instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.PredictablyDrunk.com

 

 

PredictablyDrunkLogo

Sam returns to discuss road trippin’ with Kabir Singh and Jeff Koenig down to San Diego. The two of them got into a fight at a local restaurant in the middle of the night, while Sam continued to eat everyone’s food until all three got kicked out. In addition, Sam’s biological father tried to make contact with him, too. The results did not go as planned.

Follow Sam on:

http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

http://www.instagram.com/predictablydrunk

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

Sam Marcoux @ American Comedy Co., San Diego, CA
Sam Marcoux @ American Comedy Co., San Diego, CA

Predictably Drunk is back with a new episode recapping the recent Reno, Nevada trip. Sam talks about experiencing Reno during the MASSIVE Zombie Pub Crawl that was going on. Additionally, Sam discusses the time warp that is Carson City and avoids breaking up a fight between a hipster and a dead cowboy in the lobby of the comedy club after his show.

 

Follow Sam on twitter at:

http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

Instagram:

http://www.instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

and check his website for all tour dates, pictures and information

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

Predictably Drunk: The Podcast can be found on iTunes, Stitcher and podcast aggregates all over the web. Be sure to subscribe and tune in weekly for new episodes.

Me looking rather annoyed by the zombies
Me looking rather annoyed by the zombies

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Sam’s birthday! And he chose to spend it with all of you! Actually, he is sitting in his studio ranting and raving like a lunatic about having to save his daughter’s dumb fish from killing themselves, laughing maniacally about fellow Comic, Chris Storin emasculating a heckler and saying goodbye to Playboy Magazine as it announces it’s suicide letter by stating that they will no longer have naked women in their publication.

Plus, Sam discusses what other forms of media are quickly evaporating and shamelessly plugs his Stand-Up Comedy tour dates. Speaking of plugs…

Farewell, sweet naked ladies, farewell
Farewell, sweet naked ladies, farewell. I will never forget your nipples.

Follow Sam on:

Twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

Instagram: http://www.Instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/samson1013

and check out his website at:

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

 

 

 

 

On this episode of Predictably Drunk, find out why Jeff dresses up to go to work everyday, despite not having a job, hear some of the jokes that have gotten Jeff into hot water with comedy club owners throughout the San Francisco Bay Area, and why the human cockroach was given the nickname, “Stranger Danger.” Oh, and Jeremy Curry drunkenly sits in to offer his insights into the wonderful world of Jeff and interpret all things Jeff.

Jeff AKA Stranger Danger AKA The Driver, is the unofficial wheel man for comedians in the San Francisco Bay Area and aspiring comedian who, admittedly, is not very good on stage. Between his gambling addiction, brain dead ideas, racist and sexist jokes, Jeff Koenig has managed to get himself into and out of trouble, on a daily basis. Despite his trials and tribulations, Jeff has managed to develop a cult following amongst comics including Kabir Singh, Ellis Rodriguez and this show’s other guest this week, Jeremy “Sloth” Curry.

 

 

Follow Sam Marcoux on:

http://www.twitter.com/TigerClawmedy

http://www.Instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

http://www.youtube.com/user/samson1013

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

After a three week hiatus, Sam returns to explain his whereabouts, announce some tour dates and talk shit about Donald Trump, Ben Carson and the rest of the Republican Presidential idiots.

Plus, a new logo for the show, which looks remarkably like the old one!

Follow Sam on:

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/predictablydrunk

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

 

 

 

 

Chelsea Bearce sat down with Sam in the green room at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco to discuss how she got started in comedy, growing up as a mixed race child and of course, her big boobs. Chelsea discusses growing up in the bay area, breaking into the comedy scene in L.A., and honing her craft in New York City before moving back to Northern California. Plus, special appearances by Jason Rogers and Jeremy Curry as they come into the green room to say hi.

 

 

Check out Chelsea Bearce’s parody video “Curvy”

 

Follow Chelsea Bearce:

http://www.ChelseaBearce.com

http://www.Twitter.com/ChelseaBearce.

 

Follow Sam Marcoux:

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.Twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

http://www.instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

http://www.predictablydrunk.tumblr.com

 

Adult Film Star Dave Pounder joins the podcast this week to talk about being in porn for over a decade. Find out how he got started, why he got out and what it is like be in clown porn. Dave also opens up about his most embarrassing moment in porn and how his porn career almost ended before it ever started due to a tactical error by Dave, five minutes before his first scene.

Esteemed pornographer Dave Pounder has produced, directed, and performed in adult films for over a decade, with over one hundred titles to his credit. He holds a bachelors degree in finance from Michigan State University and a masters degree in information management from Arizona State University. He has studied media economics and human sexuality at Indiana University and was accepted into the doctoral program at Concordia University, in Montreal, to study the mainstream consumption of pornography under the tutelage of evolutionary psychologist Dr. Gad Saad. Pounder has lectured on the topic of adult entertainment at several policy and academic institutions, including Indiana University, UCLA, and Emory University. He currently lives in Boca Raton, Florida.
More info at PornographyExpert.com

Plus, Sam and Dave play the new hit show “Punk Band or Porno.” In this game, a name is given, and you have to guess whether it is the name of a punk rock band, or a porn movie. It sounds easy, but is much harder than you think…pun intended!

In addition, the San Francisco Bay Area lost an iconic local comedian in Jimmy Gunn. The performance artist mentored and influenced many up and coming comics over the years, and his loss affected the entire comedy scene in Northern California. Rest easy, Jimmy. Happy retirement.

 

 

Follow Sam Marcoux:

@Tigerclawmedy (Twitter)

@PredictablyDrunk (Instagram)

http://www.PredictablyDrunk.tumblr.com

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

Follow Dave Pounder:

@Dave_Pounder (Twitter)

http://www.ObsceneThoughts.com

http://www.RiskyBusinessTheMovie.com

http://www.PornographyExpert.com

 

Comedian Sam Meeker joined me in studio to talk about wedding invitation etiquette, the recent Hulk Hogan controversy and growing up in the rough city of Richmond, California. Sam Meeker also discuss how he got started in comedy, the struggles of producing comedy shows and the joys of getting into firework fights with his friends growing up. Additionally, Sam Meeker discusses the struggle of deciding whether to go by Sam or Sammy on stage, as well as talking about the Black Friday Comedy Special that he has been a part of for three years. Check out Sam this weekend at Rooster T. Feathers this weekend in Sunnyvale, CA.

Plus, Sam Marcoux rants like a lunatic about weddings, waxes poetic about glass and brick fights and makes fun of his sister’s hillbilly sounding name.

 

 

You can check out Sam Meeker and his tour dates by following him on Twitter at:

@Sam Meeker

Find Sam Marcoux at:

@Tigerclawmedy (twitter)

@predictablydrunk (instagram)

http://www.predictablydrunk.tumblr.com

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

 

Through all the years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I am good for two things: Getting myself into awful situations, and living to tell about it. Some of these involve alcohol, some involve medications, but ALL of them include my general dumbassery which, far outweighs the effects of anything else. These are the stories. Don’t judge me.

Not My Proudest Moment: The First Date Fart

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. Which, if true, really sucks when your first impression is literally a shitty one. A few years back, I met a girl at a bar, bought her a few drinks, and mustered up enough liquid courage to ask for her number AND ask her on a date. To my drunken surprise, she agreed to both. To my hung over surprise the next morning, the number she gave me turned out to be real and better yet, she responded to my texts.

A week or so of texting, flirting and awful jokes (hers not mine. My jokes are brilliant), and our first date was upon us. I dressed up in my best ripped jeans and slightly wrinkled shirt and sped off to buy some beer and condoms (I am a gentlemen, after all). Strangely enough, she had me pick her up at her friend’s house. Which signaled to me that either she was afraid I might be an ax murdering psycho but needed a second opinion, or that her friend did. Either way, I was charming enough to her stupid friend and got her out of the house and into the car. And the beginning of the first date fart seeds were planted.

Normally, when a man asks a women out on a date, it is assumed that he will pick the night’s festivities with little to no input from the woman (because after all, she is a girl and everyone knows that girls make stupid decisions, right?). And I assumed that this would be the case here, as well. Except that the lady in question was former military with combat experience, and as such, was extremely upfront and outspoken about what she wanted to do, eat and drink.

“Great,” I thought. “Less shit for me to worry about.”

Or so I thought.

Now, when on a first date, or in any situation where appearances and impressions mean a great deal, you have to tactfully weave yourself around the obstacles of your personality. If you are racist, for example, you don’t start the night blurting out the N-word and flipping off the Mexican cooks at the restaurant. You have to ease into your horrific personality with light-hearted humor jabs about Asians and the poor driving or how quip about how white man’s syphilis decimated the Native American population. You know, to test the waters with your first date mate and to see if she is of like mind.

Now, that is an extreme example, but I think you catch my drift. You have to try to highlight the better parts of your person, in an effort to impress the other participant in the date, essentially. Which means that if you know spicy food gives you gas, then you should probably avoid spicy foods like a Jewish person avoids Germany. And if you know that spicy food gives you gas, and your date requests you take her to Mexican food for your dinner, you should swallow your pride, turn around, and admit to you, and her, that this relationship will never, ever, work and drop her back off at her friend’s house. Except, of course, I didn’t take my own advice, and we went to eat the Hispanic devil food, and disaster started to rear it’s ugly head. Or at least gurgle it’s ugly stomach.

After pounding down an approximate four pound burrito that was covered in hot sauce, and washing it down with a tequila shot and a beer, my date left the dinner table impressed and ready for more. So I, like a gentlemen, walked us to my car, opened the car door and escorted her into the vehicle. I figured that this lent me the perfect opportunity to blow some ass while walking back to my side of the car. Except my body failed me at that moment in time and the fart that I held in through dinner, was now no where to be found.

“I’m doomed, ” I thought.

The night progressed to a bar where we proceeded to drink more than we should have and I proceeded to clench my ass cheeks together for longer than I should have. Last call came and went and I was now working on a personal best record for oppressing my natural bodily functions. But the night was close to done, and soon, once I dropped her off at her suspicious friend’s house, I could finally relieve myself of the 10 pound toxic bubble that was festering in my gut. Unfortunately for me, however, the night was just getting started.

“So I want to see your place now, ” she said, as we entered the vehicle once again. “My friend is asleep by now so I need to crash at your place anyway. But don’t expect sex. I am not that kind of girl.”

30 minutes later we had sex.

And during sex, I could do nothing but mentally tell myself to not fart while thrusting. It was so overwhelming this thought, that I almost forgot that I was in the middle of having sex with a woman on the first date. I mean seriously, I consider it an achievement worthy of putting on my work resume whenever I can trick a girl into boinking me, but typically, it takes longer than a first date, and considerably more booze. But here I was, boffing the hell out of this girl after a burrito and some beers, and instead of mentally high-fiving myself for such a stellar performance, I was riddled with guilt that my asshole might start whistling at any moment and destroy everything that ever was built by humanity.

Nonetheless, I finished my duty without any leakage of doody, and went to sleep immediately after, as did she. The next morning my stomach was bloated beyond belief and I decided to make the executive decision to wake her up and shovel her off my bed and into my car for an early morning walk of shame up her friend’s driveway. By this point, I was pretty much doubled over in pain and had tunnel vision. I ran through red lights, swerved in and out of lanes like a mad man and was generally concerned for my rotted intestines at this point. The poor girl must have thought she had done something wrong to be whisked away so quickly and recklessly like that, but I didn’t give a shit…which was literally the problem at the time, too.

I pulled up to her friend’s house, unlocked the door from the driver’s side (God bless power locks) and hastily gave her a kiss before thanking her for a lovely (pain filled) evening.

Confused and possibly a little hurt, she gathered her things and got out of the car. Looking like she wanted to ask what went wrong so quickly, but knowing that I wouldn’t answer, she reluctantly closed the car door behind her.

PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTsqueakTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

It happened. It finally happened. A 13 hour built up fart. Clothes have been put on lay away at TJ Maxx for less time than I held onto that man-queef. With each passing rumble that dropped out of my ass, I couldn’t help the growing grin on my face. It slowly spread across my face like when scene in Dr. Seuss’s book where The Grinch devised his evil plan to steal Christmas. It was satisfying, evil and I couldn’t be happier for myself. The only thing that echoed the sound, was the stench that followed.

Thunder and lightning.

If only I had this sign in the car at the time...
If only I had this sign in the car at the time…

It was awful. Dogs were howling at the moon, during the day. Children wept and my car’s interior wrinkled and stretched. It was the fart to end all farts. And I didn’t care. I could no longer hold it in and the beauty of it was that I got away with it. No one would be the wiser to the atomic bomb that I just dropped.

For about seven seconds.

And that is when I heard the passenger door swing open followed by a female voice saying, “I forgot my purse.” She had returned to the car in the midst of the crescendo of the fart. I literally jumped to my left, crashing into my own car door, shrieked like a little girl who just had a spider jump on her and looked on in horror as my gassy, shit-trombone musical was now playing for an audience. With an interactive, immersive element to it as well, I might add. I watch as her face played out the entire range of human emotions in about two seconds as her brain began to process what the sounds and smells were that were now flooding her nostrils and ears. And I watched in dismay as she realized I had done everything short of shit my pants. And I realized, in this moment, that I would need to muster up the funniest comeback I could possibly think of, in order to salvage a second date. Something so amazing that she would have no choice but to overlook this episode and accept an invitation to another dating activity. So I rolled with my instincts and blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.

“Wow…was that you?”

The sound of the car door slamming and the sight of her running towards her friend’s front door were the last things I remember.

There was no second date.

 

/Tigerclaw

Sam reveals which comedian friend of his can’t handle his liquor…or salad after a show at The Sacramento Punchline. In addition, Sam got his ass kicked AGAIN by his two year old daughter, and this time, the damage may be permanent. Plus, new stand-up tour dates are announced, as well as some, shall we say, interesting guests coming up on the podcast (hint: it rhymes with “Storn Par”). Kabir Singh’s clip is featured in this week’s opener, as well.

Check out this week’s episode, and then talk about it with me on Social Media:

@Tigerclawmedy (Twitter)

Sam.Marcoux (Facebook)

@predictablydrunk (instagram)

predictablydrunk.tumblr.com

http://www.sammarcoux.com

Blogger and Humorist, Christopher Pilny joined the show tonight and did not disappoint. The Rhode Island native explains trying to become a Country Music Singer despite not knowing how to sing, his time working as a straight male at Victoria’s Secret and of course, his development of man boobs. In addition, Christopher shares the story of how he pooped his pants his first day of college and why it is literally, a dick move not to tip baristas in Tennessee.

Plus, Sam quizzes Christopher about his lingerie knowledge, shares his disdain for Berkeley, California and how he got “mustarded”, in Nashville, Tennessee by a hot dog vendor.

Find Christopher Pilny at:

http://www.ChristopherPilny.com

http://www.RedOrbit.com

@NotRealChainsaw (Twitter)

 

Find Sam Marcoux at:

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.PredictablyDrunk.tumblr.com

@TigerClawmedy (Twitter)

 

 

 

Did you know that IPAs are a chick drink? Neither did I until stunning new evidence emerged laying out the disturbing side effects of long term consumption of our favorite hoppy beverage. Plus, award winning musician Ed Roman stops by to discuss his father being knighted in France for being a good wine drinker, technologies effect on music, his time spent in Jamaica doing humanitarian work and Sam puts the Canadian citizen on the hot seat when he gives Ed the Naturalized Citizens Test that the U.S. Government issues to all hopeful new citizens.

Ed Roman is an Award-winning singer/songwriter, performer and multi-instrumentalist from Shelburne, Ontario, Canada.  Blurring the lines between pop, rock, folk, and country music genres, Ed’s uniquely crafted songs have received regular rotation on more than 100 terrestrial radio stations across North America.  Ed is a 2014 Artists Music Guild Award Nominee and a 2014 Artists In Music Award Nominee.  He is also a 2014 International Music and Entertainment Association Award Winner and a two-time Indie Music Channel Award winner. Ed has performed at the Red Gorilla Music Fest during SXSW, The Millennium Music Conference, and SS Cape May, and he will be touring New York City and Philly in July.

Recently, Ed traveled to Jamaica to deliver much-needed humanitarian aid to the island, while shooting the music video for “Jamaica.”  His current album, Letters From High Latitudes (an homage to his Ontario home) is a critically-acclaimed vehicle for Ed’s socio-political, earthly-conscious and globally-aware messages.  This earthy, funky and magical mix of music has earned Ed Roman airplay chart recognition and won over legions of fans around the world, known as “Ed Heads.”

Ed Roman can be reached at:

Ed Roman
Ed Roman

http://www.EdRoman.net

http://www.facebook.com/edromanmusic

http://www.twitter.com/specialedroman

http://www.youtube.com/specialedroman

Follow Sam at:

http://www.sammarcoux.com

http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

http://www.twitter.com/tigerclawmedy

http://predictablydrunk.tumblr.com

Sam recaps a torrid week of comedy on the road, where he performed six shows in seven nights, got fired by a promoter, met a childhood icon, was admonished by a local news station for disrupting their broadcast and more. Plus the Best Worst Joke of the Week, some quick stories about drinking too much Everclear and some praise for fellow comedian, Kabir Singh, as he embarks on new recordings, international tour dates, and more.

 

 

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

http://www.instagram.com/PredictablyDrunk

http://www.instagram.com/Samisneat

 

 

My Sounds Laid Down By The Underground
My Sounds Laid Down By The Underground

Sam is back after a week away due to getting robbed and talks all about it. Additionally, Tom Brady got suspended by the NFL, The New Orleans Pelicans might have the worst team name in sports and Sam poses the question to the audience of just who is the greatest American rock band ever? Plus, some new tour dates are announced with an EXTREME guest on one of them. None other than former WWE and ECW Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam on Saturday, May 23rd at Cap’s in Brentwood, CA.

Also, Sam reveals the drunkest he has ever been and how it led to him being a bloody, vomiting mess, and as per usual, he discusses some more glaring plot holes he found in his daughter’s favorite movie, Frozen.

Michael Gilkison swung by the studio and sat down to discuss his own podcast, In The Galaxy, as well as stand up comedy, Youtube, growing up in Kentucky and of course, tequila shots while playing Drinko. Plus, Sam discuss what form of entertainment he likes performing the best, breaks some news about Ellen DeGeneres and of course, the BEST WORST JOKE OF THE WEEK!

 

 

Catch Michael and Jaye on their podcast: http://inthegalaxypodcast.podbean.com/

Follow Michael on Twitter: @MichaelGilkison

 

And follow the show on iTunes and Stitcher:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/predictably-drunk-podcast/id964905672?mt=2

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/predictably-drunk?refid=stpr

 

Follow me on Twitter: @Tigerclawmedy

 

 

Comedian/Musician Phil Johnson is this week’s guest. The comedy songwriter talks about wanting to be a physicist growing up, his third comedy album “Pretty From The Back,” how long it has been since he has cut his hair (decades) and becomes Sam’s personal hero once they discuss Phil’s girlfriend. Phil also serenades us with a song off of his new special. Plus, Sam bashes a national headliner’s feature act, discusses why his next door neighbor probably hates him and more!

Check out Phil at the following locations:

https://www.facebook.com/philjohnsoncomedy

And make sure to purchase Phil’s new comedy special “Pretty From The Back” on

http://www.philjohnsoncomedy.com/

Check out Sam Marcoux on:

http://www.SamMarcoux.com

http://www.facebook.com/sam.marcoux

http://www.twitter.com/Tigerclawmedy

and on stage Friday, April 17th at the Swiss Park in Newark, CA (Limited tickets left!)

Phil Singing About Babies
Phil Singing About Babies

Abel Jaramillo is back for a third consecutive appearance. He simply won’t leave! But since he is here, we discusses why he pukes before every set, how to deal with hecklers, The ridiculousness of B.J. Upton changing his name to Melvin and what I would need to do to get into Abel’s motorbike gang.

 

 

This is how he sat for the entire episode
This is how he sat for the entire episode